Our New Tortoise—Tanka Haibun

I went into Petco with my son yesterday ready and willing to shell out (pun completely intended) about $450 or more on a juvenile Redfoot Tortoise and accessories. I had done my homework searching around the internet to know exactly what we would need to house the little guy. I already had an enclosure and a heat lamp. I knew I needed a UVB light, some bedding, a soaking dish, and a larger hide. And I had all those things in the basket when we finally got someone’s attention. I also knew that the tortoise was going to grow too large for the terrarium that we have. The tortoise was going to grow to 13 inches in length, but it was going to take 10 years before it was that big. And we had at least 2 of 3 years before it outgrew the terrarium we have. The young woman in the Petco shirt asked, “Have you cared for tortoises before?”

I said, “I haven’t, but I have read up on it.”

She shook her head and sighed. She said, “Well you don’t have everything you need.” She took us over to a 50-gallon terrarium that cost another $350 dollars on top of the $450 that we were already expecting to spend.

I said, “We have a 20-gallon terrarium at home.”

She said, “That is way too small. The tortoise would not be able to live in something that small.” The look on her face told me that she thought I was inhumane for simply entertaining the notion of putting it in something so small.

I said, “20-gallons is bigger than the display he is already in.”

She said, “My manager won’t allow me to sell him to you unless you buy the terrarium too. It is against Petco policy.”

I said, “By the time that he is too big for the 20-gallon tank, I will have him in a tortoise table or have built him a pin outside.” Her body language showed she had clearly never heard of a tortoise table and thought the idea of keeping a tortoise outside absurd despite the fact that every care guide gives instructions for building a pin in the yard

 But when I said I was going to leave without buying the tortoise, she changed her tone. She was almost begging me to buy the overly expensive and unnecessary terrarium even without the tortoise itself. I guess Petco must pay their employees commission because none of this makes sense otherwise. Anyway, after we left, we called around and found a Russian tortoise for half the price at another store several cities over, and we went and bought him today. They did not even bother trying to upsell us on a terrarium. They said, “A 20-gallon is fine for now, but you will have to get him something bigger in a few years.” And that was that.

Self-righteous and

Uninformed Petco employees

Breaking children’s hearts

With the hard sell feigning the

Interest of the animal.

***

According to Word Craft Poetry, haibun is a Japanese poetic form that combines prose and haiku. If you would like to read more about haibun and other short poetry forms, check out Word Craft Poetry here: https://wordcraftpoetry.com/tanka-tuesday-poetry-cheat-sheet-for-tanka-tuesday-poetry-challenges/

Slippery Uncle—Flarf

Slippery uncle,

Unc. Shine, corn chip, train ties.

I don’t want to earball this shit.

.

Words calling out for death on the page

Smashing pig pots, simpletons, and morons,

Corrugated tubing, and PVC.

.

For his first guitar lesson,

Sing along to the ping pong table

Only real men can get them in corn rows.

***

FLARF is a wild style of poetry that started as a joke. People noticed that no matter how bad your poems were Poetry.com would tell you that you had won their poetry prize. Then, they would try to scam you out of your money. So devious poets started sending the crappiest poetry they could write to Poetry.com. Even that would win the poetry prize. These poets began sending each other their crappy poems, and eventually it became a legitimate poetry style. If you want to read more about the FLARF or any of the other poetry terms, check out the glossary of poetic terms from the Poetry Foundation at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms

Google painting is a type of collaging that primarily uses internet search results and Google’s search prediction capabilities to generate quasi-random phrases. The technique helps jumpstart creativity with strange juxtapositions, broken syntax, and internet speak.

Grieved by My Former Career–#SOCS

Zip, zero, zilch. That’s how many words I think I can get out of this, Fred. I thought when you hired me for this job that you wanted me for my hard-hitting reporting. But you got me covering a smalltown Easter parade nearly a month after it is already over. I am not a lifestyle writer, but I did spend some time in the obits. Is that what you want from me? This parade is dead and gone. Here you go: One bumfuck-Egypt Easter parade obituary coming up. Grieved by my credibility and my now defunct reporting career.

***

I wrote this poem following Linda Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt ‘zip, zero, zilch.’ If you would like to read more about her challenge, check out her sight here: https://lindaghill.com/2022/04/29/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-30-2022/

Line by Line and Measure for Measure

“Read me, Daddy. Read me,” so my son said

From the other side of our table.

The big book between us. “Shakespeare?”, I said,

“It’s boring and old.” He was four unfazed.

“Read me, Daddy.” I read the lines aloud.

Cheeks rested on balled up fists. Enraptured

With the rhythms of the words. He stopped me.

“Why’s the Duke in disguise, Daddy?” he asked.

“It’s his secret identity,” I said.

“Is he like Batman?” he asked. “I think so,”

I said. “And Angelo is the Joker

Although Pompey is funnier than him.”

And enraptured in the story of it,

My son just said, “Read me, Daddy. Read me.”

—

I wrote this sonnet in April 2021. I was curious to see how far my writing had progressed in one year’s time. I had remembered how clumsy I thought this poem was at the time, but after a year of not looking at it, I am pleasantly surprised. This poem is good. It has smooth flowing lines, and it clearly tells the story. Even though it is written as a blank verse sonnet, it does not feel like I cut corners due to the brevity of the form. I don’t know why I thought it was a clumsy poem. I guess I couldn’t get off my overly critical editing hat at the time because I now think this poem is good.

To Elicit Boredom—Flarffed Choka

Your neighbor bathing

Nude in the big fiery blast

Of explosion is

The wrong way to elicit

Boredom. You yellow

Wind breathing telephone freak.

But your yellow breath

Reflecting off the painted

Ceiling of dying

Starlight failing, faltering,

Flickering visions

Of you dreaming up your thoughts.

Now, that’s boring. Don’t you think?

***

Choka is a long Japanese poem that alternates lines of 5 and 7 syllables. The poem must end with at least two 7 syllable lines in a row. If you want to learn more about choka or other syllabic poetry forms, you can visit Word Craft Poetry #TankaTuesday at: https://wordcraftpoetry.com/tanka-tuesday-poetry-cheat-sheet-for-tanka-tuesday-poetry-challenges/

FLARF is a wild style of poetry that started as a joke. People noticed that no matter how bad your poems were Poetry.com would tell you that you had won their poetry prize. Then, they would try to scam you out of your money. So devious poets started sending the crappiest poetry they could write to Poetry.com. Even that would win the poetry prize. These poets began sending each other their crappy poems, and eventually it became a legitimate poetry style. If you want to read more about the FLARF or any of the other poetry terms, check out the glossary of poetic terms from the Poetry Foundation at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms

Google painting is a type of collaging that primarily uses internet search results and Google’s search prediction capabilities to generate quasi-random phrases. The technique helps jumpstart creativity with strange juxtapositions, broken syntax, and internet speak.

I am the Spoken Word—Flarffed Choka

I am the spooky

Dissonance in between notes,

The omniscient narrator,

Hubli Mohamad.

My language is a default

Display site of initial

Public works projects.

The erection, construction

Alteration and

Alliteration of schools

Sound infrastructure.

The build and beating

Sounds abounding, repeating

Voice and breathing so fleeting.

It’s nice to meet you.

I’d shake your hand if I could

But I am made out of words

And my hands are not meat things.

***

Choka is a long Japanese poem that alternates lines of 5 and 7 syllables. The poem must end with at least two 7 syllable lines in a row. If you want to learn more about choka or other syllabic poetry forms, you can visit Word Craft Poetry #TankaTuesday at: https://wordcraftpoetry.com/tanka-tuesday-poetry-cheat-sheet-for-tanka-tuesday-poetry-challenges/

FLARF is a wild style of poetry that started as a joke. People noticed that no matter how bad your poems were Poetry.com would tell you that you had won their poetry prize. Then, they would try to scam you out of your money. So devious poets started sending the crappiest poetry they could write to Poetry.com. Even that would win the poetry prize. These poets began sending each other their crappy poems, and eventually it became a legitimate poetry style. If you want to read more about the FLARF or any of the other poetry terms, check out the glossary of poetic terms from the Poetry Foundation at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms

Google painting is a type of collaging that primarily uses internet search results and Google’s search prediction capabilities to generate quasi-random phrases. The technique helps jumpstart creativity with strange juxtapositions, broken syntax, and internet speak.

Scrubbing Clean Darkness—Flarffed Choka

The monastery

Is old town faith scraping and

scrubbing clean darkness

Streaked clouds with misted mirrors

Found hiding God has

Been too long in the shower

Wasting his shampoo

Bringing sparkling morning skies

To his drain and shower floor.

***

Choka is a long Japanese poem that alternates lines of 5 and 7 syllables. The poem must end with at least two 7 syllable lines in a row. If you want to learn more about choka or other syllabic poetry forms, you can visit Word Craft Poetry #TankaTuesday at: https://wordcraftpoetry.com/tanka-tuesday-poetry-cheat-sheet-for-tanka-tuesday-poetry-challenges/

FLARF is a wild style of poetry that started as a joke. People noticed that no matter how bad your poems were Poetry.com would tell you that you had won their poetry prize. Then, they would try to scam you out of your money. So devious poets started sending the crappiest poetry they could write to Poetry.com. Even that would win the poetry prize. These poets began sending each other their crappy poems, and eventually it became a legitimate poetry style. If you want to read more about the FLARF or any of the other poetry terms, check out the glossary of poetic terms from the Poetry Foundation at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms

Google painting is a type of collaging that primarily uses internet search results and Google’s search prediction capabilities to generate quasi-random phrases. The technique helps jumpstart creativity with strange juxtapositions, broken syntax, and internet speak.

Daily Foot Stomping Rituals–Flarf

Red, yellow, and green fruit. Bacon, tomato, and ass.

Bringing people together to share their daily rituals.

Good old foot stomping rituals sending children downhill

Tellin’em I got blues to burn through my fingers.

Tellin’em I got blues dripping stump water from my still.

Tellin’em to come with their cups to get some good hay

For that red, yellow, and green BL—TnA.

***

FLARF is a wild style of poetry that started as a joke. People noticed that no matter how bad your poems were Poetry.com would tell you that you had won their poetry prize. Then, they would try to scam you out of your money. So devious poets started sending the crappiest poetry they could write to Poetry.com. Even that would win the poetry prize. These poets began sending each other their crappy poems, and eventually it became a legitimate poetry style. If you want to read more about the FLARF or any of the other poetry terms, check out the glossary of poetic terms from the Poetry Foundation at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms

Google painting is a type of collaging that primarily uses internet search results and Google’s search prediction capabilities to generate quasi-random phrases. The technique helps jumpstart creativity with strange juxtapositions, broken syntax, and internet speak.

And Other Cartoon Words—Flarf

Love and truth are the moving trucks born on your tongue,

Alive in the wind and dead in silent October mist.

Words in order on the page soothing, quiet, and calm

Lighting up the night sky. Keys, garbage, and dust

As ping pong balls, and broken coffee cups on an old tin roof.

The dying light of evening trees dimming out of sight

Cracking my teeth, smashing my lips bloody

Trying not to look at folks like they are cartoon people

In their cartoon worlds with their cartoon words.

***

FLARF is a wild style of poetry that started as a joke. People noticed that no matter how bad your poems were Poetry.com would tell you that you had won their poetry prize. Then, they would try to scam you out of your money. So devious poets started sending the crappiest poetry they could write to Poetry.com. Even that would win the poetry prize. These poets began sending each other their crappy poems, and eventually it became a legitimate poetry style. If you want to read more about the FLARF or any of the other poetry terms, check out the glossary of poetic terms from the Poetry Foundation at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms

Google painting is a type of collaging that primarily uses internet search results and Google’s search prediction capabilities to generate quasi-random phrases. The technique helps jumpstart creativity with strange juxtapositions, broken syntax, and internet speak.

Old Men with Young Hair

I understand that babies and old men have the same hairstyle,

but male pattern baldness still doesn’t make you look younger.