Willing to send out thousands of resumes and never actually get hired.
Can write sentences that don’t have a subject.
Able to agonize over every interview question causing the interviewer to think that I am an idiot.
Willing to be transracial if it will get me the job.
Willing to sleep my way to the top.
Can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Will spend my time at work filling out applications for better jobs.
Can spend hours on Twitter.
Able to look like I am working while never completing a task.
Work well while under the influence.
Ability to tell dirty jokes in the work environment without getting fired for harassment.
Willing to watch YouTube when I should be working.
Willing to work hard when the boss is watching.
Can fart on command.
They call me the moist maker.
Has knowledge needed to breathe through a snorkel.
Master of Useless trivia.
Willing to bartend for all company parties.
Know how to spell potato.
Can make very timely Dan Quail Jokes.
Able to tweet about fake news at 3 am.
Able to out stupid the current President of the United States.