Most Rhyming Poetry Ever Written

Life is farting while I’m mowing

Queif and burp a symphony

Let the wind in grass a’growing

Blow like farts all over me.

.

Poems and cats are fornicating

Oddly distant in the past

While the things are complicating

The things I sing about my gas.

.

These things, the things I sing,

Ring and jingle, tingling

Whipping, hissing, snapping, popping,

Piping like a Russian King.

.

And in the end, the world, alas,

Rides like skid stains on my ass.

Stealing Words from the Bible

Extoling the virtues of humanity

I will pull the mote out of your eye

Let light fall on the lanterns of your face

And seat the question, “Do you know why?”

.

In particles of the atmosphere

And out of thine own eye,

The beam holding up the door of your face

And the turnaround to the question, “Why?”

The Secret Society of Merkin Merchants—Flarf

You have proven that you have the right

To know what we know about Shimmel Zohar

Feeding largely on carrion birds in flight

And other things that live where the crows are

.

The white socks wearing magic merkin magician

Teaching sex after lifetimes of despair

Living life like a passenger pigeon

Covered in fading heaven solitaire

***

FLARF is a wild style of poetry that started as a joke. People noticed that no matter how bad your poems were Poetry.com would tell you that you had won their poetry prize. Then, they would try to scam you out of your money. So devious poets started sending the crappiest poetry they could write to Poetry.com. Even that would win the poetry prize. These poets began sending each other their crappy poems, and eventually it became a legitimate poetry style. If you want to read more about the FLARF or any of the other poetry terms, check out the glossary of poetic terms from the Poetry Foundation at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms Google painting is a type of collaging that primarily uses internet search results and Google’s search prediction capabilities to generate quasi-random phrases. The technique helps jumpstart creativity with strange juxtapositions, broken syntax, and internet speak.

Love After Dawn—Minute poetry

You have found love zombie fighting

Gray beasts dropping

Just before dawn

Litter the lawn.

.

Then, she tells you your foreplay stinks

Damned to hell like

Browning needles

Inside haybales

.

Because you haven’t showered

The brains and blood

Out of your hair

Leaving love there.

***

Minute poetry is a rhymed poem with three stanzas. Each stanza had four lined with a syllable count of 8-4-4-4 for each respective line. Rhyme scheme is aabb ccdd eeff. If you want to read more about minute poetry or any other poetry concept, you can check out the Shadow Poetry site here: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/minute.html

Predictions of Futures Passed

And I am sure I will blog a blog

Newspaper style

Stippled and styled

As people and paper predict.

.

I will report my reporting

From time to time

Breaking time broken time

As people and practice permit.

.

I am blogging my blog,

A way of wasting and waiting

While my broken time

Peeks through pepper backed piles

Of job listings I want to submit.

.

Trying and tasting

The experience of waiting

Weighing experience

Over fresh graduates.

***

I decided to revisit the first post I ever wrote on WordPress in order to exploit it for any possible poetic possibilities. I have taken out some of the sentences with interesting sonic possibilities and added a little spice to get this poem. If you are interested to see what I thought I was going to do with this page, you can check it out here: https://therichardbraxton.wordpress.com/2015/05/19/hello-world/

That Magical Mushroom Moment–Rhyming Flarf

We had known fungi had a basic knowledge

But it really happened just last week

The day the mushrooms learned how to speak.

They took a course at Texas State Technical College.

Mushrooms drawing the state of Alabama.

Mushrooms driving cars across the lawn.

Mushrooms wearing gramma pajamas.

.

Mushrooms slipping drippy dried drunk

Sauteed in red wine, butter, and soy

Sauced. Soused. And slapping right turns…

.

Through crowds of people.

Is that what you thought you’d see?

‘A small increase in blood alcohol,’

You gotta be kidding me!

.

And Officer I got a good look:

Drunk driver killed a family of killer whales

And telling tales of crapping pants on haybales.

The fleshy, spore-bearing fruiting body

That is the motherfucker right there.

With the shirt with the knitting

That said, “You better ask somebody!”

.

And what really made me choke

Is the cop let the mushroom speak,

And he spoke.

.

He said, “I believe in expressing gratitude

To all my addict’s but not all of you.”

He said, “I’d like to thank irritable bowel syndrome

For hitting Adam Bullard and leaving me alone.”

He said, “I chose this nonprofit for their mission

It really means a lot to me as a mushroom.”

He said, “The mushroom of doom.

The mushroom on a mission.

Got me wishin you’d be catchin

My lonely transmission.”

.

And that’s how all the mushrooms

Got all of their street cred

Because the reporters reported

All the things that he said.

***

I was inspired to write this poem after I read an absurd internet news article where scientists had discovered the mushrooms have the ability to communicate. The article claims that mushrooms have a language. Here is one of the many articles reporting this: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/apr/06/fungi-electrical-impulses-human-language-study

FLARF is a wild style of poetry that started as a joke. People noticed that no matter how bad your poems were Poetry.com would tell you that you had won their poetry prize. Then, they would try to scam you out of your money. So devious poets started sending the crappiest poetry they could write to Poetry.com. Even that would win the poetry prize. These poets began sending each other their crappy poems, and eventually it became a legitimate poetry style. If you want to read more about the FLARF or any of the other poetry terms, check out the glossary of poetic terms from the Poetry Foundation at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms

Google painting is a type of collaging that primarily uses internet search results and Google’s search prediction capabilities to generate quasi-random phrases. The technique helps jumpstart creativity with strange juxtapositions, broken syntax, and internet speak.

Everyone Loves to Pretend

Everyone loves to pretend that they know

Five minutes from now from five minutes ago.

Was it just last week, when all that we thought

Was where we could get a stiff Stoli shot?

Russian countryside was hard to explain.

When we thought your neck was the thing that Ukraine.

Now that so many poets are throwing their hats in,

Does anything rhyme with Vladimir Putin?

Limber it up Some, Son

When it comes to rhyme like many a thought

If it were a crime, we’d all get caught.

The problem with it like we often see

Our thoughts like to quit where rhymes would be.

It is the conceit that sticks in your head

And your rhyme receipt is only bread

Instead of the crunch of lettuce right here

A prisoner’s lunch, bread and water.

Now you could have beer if this were a brunch

And then cause a stir also a punch.

But you had to stick with a silly word

Now your rhyme’s a slick meaningless turd.

But I mean, goddamn, look how bad this sounds.

You’d think that you could loosen up, right?

What is a Poem?

A poem is a short, well considered piece of writing

Not written as if it is set down on the page

A poem mustn’t necessarily be written

But written as if a change of any one word

Would irrevocably alter its meaning

A poem has rhythm

When it has rhythm

A poem has meter

When it has meter

A poem has rhyme

When it has rhyme

In short, a poem is whatever you want your poem to be

And… If you recite it in a douchey tone

That tends to help too