We had known fungi had a basic knowledge
But it really happened just last week
The day the mushrooms learned how to speak.
They took a course at Texas State Technical College.
Mushrooms drawing the state of Alabama.
Mushrooms driving cars across the lawn.
Mushrooms wearing gramma pajamas.
.
Mushrooms slipping drippy dried drunk
Sauteed in red wine, butter, and soy
Sauced. Soused. And slapping right turns…
.
Through crowds of people.
Is that what you thought you’d see?
‘A small increase in blood alcohol,’
You gotta be kidding me!
.
And Officer I got a good look:
Drunk driver killed a family of killer whales
And telling tales of crapping pants on haybales.
The fleshy, spore-bearing fruiting body
That is the motherfucker right there.
With the shirt with the knitting
That said, “You better ask somebody!”
.
And what really made me choke
Is the cop let the mushroom speak,
And he spoke.
.
He said, “I believe in expressing gratitude
To all my addict’s but not all of you.”
He said, “I’d like to thank irritable bowel syndrome
For hitting Adam Bullard and leaving me alone.”
He said, “I chose this nonprofit for their mission
It really means a lot to me as a mushroom.”
He said, “The mushroom of doom.
The mushroom on a mission.
Got me wishin you’d be catchin
My lonely transmission.”
.
And that’s how all the mushrooms
Got all of their street cred
Because the reporters reported
All the things that he said.
***
I was inspired to write this poem after I read an absurd internet news article where scientists had discovered the mushrooms have the ability to communicate. The article claims that mushrooms have a language. Here is one of the many articles reporting this: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/apr/06/fungi-electrical-impulses-human-language-study
FLARF is a wild style of poetry that started as a joke. People noticed that no matter how bad your poems were Poetry.com would tell you that you had won their poetry prize. Then, they would try to scam you out of your money. So devious poets started sending the crappiest poetry they could write to Poetry.com. Even that would win the poetry prize. These poets began sending each other their crappy poems, and eventually it became a legitimate poetry style. If you want to read more about the FLARF or any of the other poetry terms, check out the glossary of poetic terms from the Poetry Foundation at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/learn/glossary-terms
Google painting is a type of collaging that primarily uses internet search results and Google’s search prediction capabilities to generate quasi-random phrases. The technique helps jumpstart creativity with strange juxtapositions, broken syntax, and internet speak.
therichardbraxton 