October Poem 9: Poems of Mass Destruction

My poems are farts read on the whipping breeze

Of morning designed to contaminate

And chase off all those who come within their

Sphere of influence. My poems are among

The list of chemicals forbidden for

Carry on commuter airlines without

Proper radiation shielding. They cling

To form and edifice dissolving like

Liquid mercury into an aircraft’s

Aluminum frame weakening it with

Only the smallest of contact. My poems

Are noxious and debilitating. And

Designed this way by me to destroy all

With their weaponized poetic warfare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deny

September Poem 39: Ghazal for Trump

Both he and Mrs. Universe were in porns.

They loved their porns. It was a big problem

When Trump paid his taxes.

 

It made all the papers and

Should have been great for business

When Trump paid his taxes.

 

His accountant had misunderstood a joke. The Trump

Has the best deadpan… don’t know who said it, but it was said

When Trump paid his taxes.

 

He was just being stupid because

Not paying taxes makes you smart

When Trump paid his taxes.

 

He died a

Little inside

When Trump paid his taxes.

 

He was still

Just a punchline

When Trump paid his taxes.

 

Who the hell am I kidding?

He never paid his taxes

When Trump paid his taxes.

August Poem 19: Reality as its own Simulacra

Hungry-Man mesquite flavored fried chicken

Fresh out of the microwave. McDonald’s

Boneless McRib sandwich. Yoo-hoo chocolate

Milk-like substance. Tofurkey. Facebook

Friends you never hang out with. Internet

Community of antisocial fucks.

A red and blue fauxhawked rebel wearing

A pleather jacket. A fast food worker

Who won’t get off the smartphone long enough

To take your order. Prefabricated

Housing with a Jaguar in the driveway.

A trailer park whore’s professionally

Manicured set of press on nails. A self-

Referencing shit post described as high art.

June Poem 3

My Resume

Willing to send out thousands of resumes and never actually get hired.
Can write sentences that don’t have a subject.
Able to agonize over every interview question causing the interviewer to think that I am an idiot.
Willing to be transracial if it will get me the job.
Willing to sleep my way to the top.
Can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Will spend my time at work filling out applications for better jobs.
Can spend hours on Twitter.
Able to look like I am working while never completing a task.
Work well while under the influence.
Ability to tell dirty jokes in the work environment without getting fired for harassment.
Willing to watch YouTube when I should be working.
Willing to work hard when the boss is watching.

Can fart on command.
They call me the moist maker.
Has knowledge needed to breathe through a snorkel.
Master of Useless trivia.
Willing to bartend for all company parties.

Know how to spell potato.
Can make very timely Dan Quail Jokes.
Able to tweet about fake news at 3 am.
Able to out stupid the current President of the United States.

April Poem 1: NaPoWriMo: The Dipshit Poet

He wasn’t a poet
And didn’t know it.

October Poem 10 Tweet Poem: I’m a Geek

I’m a Geek.

 

I have an extensive collection of caterpillar turds.

I am spiritually connected to an invisible aardvark.

I love women with facial hair.

I like to speak in dots and dashes.

I have a clown shoe collection.

I am hot for anime characters.

I dream in Star Trek quotes.

My favorite TV show is a musical.

Geeks get all the girls.

October 9 Poem Tweet Poem

The Election Cycle

 

Becoming the idiot that no one wants to be around.

Flapping your lips at people that have shut their ears.

Looking like an angry ignorant asshat.

Arguing politics that you don’t understand with someone else who doesn’t understand politics.

Burning bridges with family, friends, and coworkers.

Realizing Donald Trump is an even bigger douche than you already thought he was.

Hating people that you don’t even know.

Having giant family arguments.

Drinking the Cool-Aid.

Burying your head in the sand.

Answering thoughtful questions with over simplified straw man scenarios.

Responding with non sequitur talking points.

Answering questions with questions.

Writing in sentence fragments.

Shutting off your brain to anything other than what you believed going in.

October Poem 8 Tweet Poem

Middle Age

 

Waiting for the next person

To sit down

And release the fart

I left trapped

In the couch cushion.

 

A tweet

That references

Itself.

 

The color of your teeth

After you smoke

Twelve cartons

Of Cool Menthols.

 

Walking half asleep

To the bathroom

And having

An ice cold dog crap

Squish up between your toes.

 

Mickey Mouse

Getting pimp slapped

By Donald Duck.

 

The Cheshire Cat

Dangling a mouse

Over his toothy maw.

 

Three adults

With Downs Syndrome

Jumping together

On a trampoline.

 

Rancid cans of sardines

Exploding in the back seat

Of your Acura

On a hot summer’s day.

October Poem 5 Tweet Poem #HalloweenIn5Words

#HalloweenIn5Words

 

Overpriced trash bags for costumes

Holly shit! There’s free candy

When crossdressing is social acceptable

Pedophiles and furies working together

Running over kids with cars

Dress like a slut day

Get drunk and dress up

Free pass for racial insensitivity

Candy apples are for suckers

King sized candy bars only

Don’t be such a pig

Poison and razorblades in candy

The devil’s den of diabetes

I’m not giving you candy

August Poem 5

—How are you?

—Budweiser.

It’s not all the time

But just enough to know that

Drinks are feelings.