The Ballad of Stinky Jean

You smell like feet for a moment,

But I’ll be sweet for a moment.

And I just won’t tell you

Because I think that it’s polite.

.

You must have cheese stuffed in your ears

Or skunk juice dripping from your tears

Because I just can’t stand

The smell that is around you.

.

I’ll burn some sage for an hour.

I’ll ask if you want to take a shower.

But even if you ask,

I just won’t tell the truth.

.

Do you see the pain in my lying eyes?

Does my averted nose take you by surprise?

Did you ever think

That I would do something to hurt you?

.

You smell like feet for a moment,

But I’ll be sweet for a moment.

And I just won’t tell you

Because I think that it’s polite.

Most Rhyming Poetry Ever Written

Life is farting while I’m mowing

Queif and burp a symphony

Let the wind in grass a’growing

Blow like farts all over me.

.

Poems and cats are fornicating

Oddly distant in the past

While the things are complicating

The things I sing about my gas.

.

These things, the things I sing,

Ring and jingle, tingling

Whipping, hissing, snapping, popping,

Piping like a Russian King.

.

And in the end, the world, alas,

Rides like skid stains on my ass.

Stealing Words from the Bible

Extoling the virtues of humanity

I will pull the mote out of your eye

Let light fall on the lanterns of your face

And seat the question, “Do you know why?”

.

In particles of the atmosphere

And out of thine own eye,

The beam holding up the door of your face

And the turnaround to the question, “Why?”

I Know You Don’t Feel Sorry for Me

I know where you’re coming from

Believe me, I do.

But two wrongs don’t make a right.

Do you think they do?

.

I know you don’t feel sorry for me,

And I don’t expect you to.

But how exactly would you feel

If it were told to you?

.

We’ve had enough of your kind here

[Insert your sex or race].

We don’t allow your kind in here

It’s our special place.

.

We know what it is you’ve done

In your liar’s heart.

You or someone just like you.

You’ll do for a start.

.

You see the crime has come and gone

And the criminal too.

But the victim looked just like me.

The dick head looked like you.

.

We’ve had enough of your kind here

[Insert your sex or race].

We don’t allow your kind in here

It’s our special place.

.

I know you don’t feel sorry for me,

And I don’t expect you to.

But how exactly would you feel

If it were told to you?

.

I know where you’re coming from

Believe me, I do.

But two wrongs don’t make a right?

Do you think they do?

***

I wrote this poem from a couple of lines that popped in my head when I was supposed to be going to sleep, so I kind of rushed through it. I had been looking through different literary journals for places that might take the weird poems that I have been writing lately, and each one of them had a note saying that they were devoted to promoting equity for women, people of color, LGBTQ, neurodivergent, and disabled. And I totally understand the need to take such measures to insure these peoples’ voices are being heard. And I support the literary journals in their efforts. However, I, like everyone else, can be egocentric at times. So in the back of my mind I thought, “Wait a minute, that makes things harder for me.” And I was trying to capture that little voice in the back of my head. But the poem comes out sounding strident and accusatory and more than a little angry. And I am none of those things. But I think the poem has good rhythm and good rhyme for what I do, so I will post it with this note and a promise that one day I will do something to improve on it. But I can’t promise that it will be any day soon because I get distracted in everything new and shiny.

A Fool and His Fart

Have you ever been farted on

By some fool you barely know

On the first week on your new

Job and now you want to go?

.

You know, not leave, but punch the fool

Right in his stupid looking face,

And kick his stupid looking ass

All over the stupid fucking place.

.

And you had to stop yourself from

It because you knew it wasn’t right.

A fool and his fart ain’t enough

To start a stupid fucking fight.

.

Well, of course it is, but there you

Stood right in the camera’s sight.

This stupid farting fool will have

To wait another fucking night.

Stop Being Angry About Everything

The boss man made a dollar

And paid it to the state.

The workers wanted their share.

He told them they’re too late.

They said he was a liar

And a lousy bum.

They set his house on fire

And cut off his thumb.

The boss man made a dollar

And paid it to his staff

They say he was arrested

And all his workers laughed.

The boss man made a dollar

And gave half here half there

Now both sides are angry

And pulling out their hair.

The workers want their dollar

And so does the state

And both sides will holler

Pay up and do not wait.

The boss man earns his money

And then he earns some more

And if he didn’t make that money

His workers wouldn’t have a job.

The government wouldn’t have taxes.

The cities would have no revenue

And the regions would be depressed.

And the workers would be angry

That the bosses took their money

And ran off to somewhere else.

Look, simple rhymes don’t cut it,

And neither does simple logic.

Don’t be an idiot. Think things through,

And stop being angry about everything.

That is my job. You can’t have my job.

Limber it up Some, Son

When it comes to rhyme like many a thought

If it were a crime, we’d all get caught.

The problem with it like we often see

Our thoughts like to quit where rhymes would be.

It is the conceit that sticks in your head

And your rhyme receipt is only bread

Instead of the crunch of lettuce right here

A prisoner’s lunch, bread and water.

Now you could have beer if this were a brunch

And then cause a stir also a punch.

But you had to stick with a silly word

Now your rhyme’s a slick meaningless turd.

But I mean, goddamn, look how bad this sounds.

You’d think that you could loosen up, right?

How to Thin the Whiskey

You need a few drops of water

To let the whiskey open up.

But I like my whiskey tighter

When I drink it from my cup.

You need a few drops of whiskey

To help clean off the mud.

I need a few drops of whiskey

To help thin out my blood.

Whiskey in the Morning

I want to drink whiskey in the morning.

I think it would start the day off fun.

If I drank whiskey in the morning,

Boy! Could I get things done.

When I drink whiskey in the morning,

I can find the words to say

What it is you mean to me.

Because I drank whiskey in the morning,

I could be what you want me to be.

So I will drink a second whiskey this morning.

And I will make that call to my boss.

After that third whiskey this morning,

I won’t be at a loss.

Unless you count my job.

I told my boss he’s a dick. And took another shot.

When I drink whiskey in the morning,

And my bottle is half full

I drink straight from the bottle.

And then, I drink whiskey in the morning

Until I drink the last drop.

Then, I get in my car

To get some more whiskey in the morning.

I was only halfway out of the driveway

When I heard someone yell stop.

I think it was my wife.

My vision is pretty blurry.

But I need some more whiskey this morning,

So I am sure not

Going to allow

Whoever that was

To take away my fun.

But I need some more whiskey this morning!

At least that’s what I told that cop.

Asshole!

Taking me to jail.

It is not like I am drunk or anything.

The other car jumped out in front of me.

That’s all.

My Sack of Birds

When I look in my sack,

All I can find is lack.

But what is this sack?

And what is this lack?

The one I carry on my back?

To the next camp.

The next meal.

The next time to pack

All the things that I need

In the pack on my back.

Or could it be my other sack?

Could it possibly be my sack of birds,

Where I keep all my favorite words?

The words that scratch and peck and sing

Some speak some chirp some take to wing.

All the birds that you pack

On your back on the hill

All the birds that you need

For the words that you kill

When a word’s all you had

For your tent

And your quilt

And your sleeping pad.

And what is this lack?

And what is this sack?

And what can I find

In this pack on my back?