How to Tie You Your Shoes in Three Easy Steps

Following this easy three step method will help you tie your shoes any time your laces get loose. Most of us do a lot of walking in our day to day lives, and did you know that if your shoes are loose, you just might end up with blisters on your feet? You must have heard that the solution to the foot blister problem is to tie your shoes.

For step one, you must grab your laces tightly in each hand. Make sure you are holding your laces tight enough to keep them from slipping but not so tight that you are not able to move your hands because the next step will require fluid hand movement.

For step two, you have to twist your laces together. This step might take several tries if you have never done it before because you want your laces to turn out looking like perfect bunny ears. If after several tries this step still does not work, and you do not end up with a perfectly tied pair of shoes, you can try the next step. You don’t have to be ashamed, I had to do the same thing myself.

For step three, you just have to give up hope. You just have to face it. If you have lived long enough and learned to read well enough to read this paragraph, and you still do not know how to tie your shoes, then you probably never will be able to tie your shoes. So you might as well just go out to the store and buy yourself some shoes with Velcro straps. Remember, if you grip your laces, twist them around several times, then give up hope, you can always have nicely tight shoes if you only buy shoes with Velcro straps.

Good, Better, Best Scenario

Doctors, I’ve had it with your good, better best scenarios. We all know that “good” means instant death. If I was dead, I wouldn’t be taking to you, so why are you wasting my time with this?

And “better” means that you can keep me alive for up to a week while you squeeze my insurance company for all they have.

And “best” is whatever disease I happen to have at the moment. Whatever I have isn’t my best-case scenario. This isn’t what I want to have. I would much rather have my health.

And there is not someone up there looking out for me, or I wouldn’t be here, would I?

And if I have a guardian angel, it must be the same one that protected Job.

And what the hell is a walking miracle anyway? Is that supposed to be a joke? You can see that I came in here unable to walk, can’t you?

Dear Microsoft Office

Dear Microsoft Office,

The word ‘fart’ is the least offensive of the offensive words I will be writing today. I hope I do not offend your delicate sensibilities. However, you never highlight the word ‘sucks.’ You must have never thought about exactly what I claim you are sucking when I tell you, you suck.


The Childish Writer Who Likes to Write the Word ‘Fart”