July Poem 3: The Cosby Show Band

Thelonious Monk,
Erroneous Consent,
Felonious Dose,
Rapacious Fuck,
Sanctimonious Attorney,
And Bill Cosby
All joined a band hand in hand
To violate the sleeping woman.

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Banana Peels and Toothpaste

Josh also told me that he thought he was gonna die the day that I sent him off with a joint of dried banana peels soaked in toothpaste. I told him that it was too harsh to hold in like weed, so he should smoke it as if it were a cigarette. This anecdote is only funny in retrospect, however, because it wasn’t meant as a trick. Money was always in short supply and I had always heard (wrongly) that dried banana peels would get you high.

 

The night before, I ate as many of my mom’s bananas as I could and dried the peels overnight in the oven. The dried peels were so hard that I had to use a knife to cut them into small strips before I could roll them in Joint papers. The peels were hard to get to keep lit and when they were lit they would curl out in a black and red end ripping the end of the paper as sad strands of smoke rose from the diffuse cherry (if you could call it that) making it look like a cigarette load had just blown off the end of your joint. The smoke you sucked out the end tasted bad and burned your throat badly. And to make matters worse, it would not get you high in the slightest. But I had made up a bunch of these bad boys and Josh and his buddy Javier had come over asking me if I had any weed.

 

I told them that all I had were these shitty banana peel joints, but I did know of a trick that actually had worked for me. One night recently when I had been hanging out with my other buddy Josh, we had stopped by Danny’s house and asked him if we could use some toothpaste. This was a gamble because we weren’t sure if Danny or any of the meth smoking adults he lived with even had toothpaste. Lord knows they never used it. But the toothpaste was a sure bet, because this Josh was a little older and he learned about smoking toothpaste when he spent a short stint in rehab. Danny came back out of his house with an unused tube of no name toothpaste. Josh squeezed it out across one side of a Marlboro cigarette making it look like making it look like a long white toothbrush ready for your nightly hygiene rituals. We sent Danny back in with the toothpaste and walked across the street to the dark of the schoolyard hoping that Danny wouldn’t see where we had gone and wouldn’t follow.

 

That toothpaste on that Marlboro had gotten me high as fuck even if I felt like I was going to puke my guts out. So for young Josh and Javier I went to my medicine cabinet and pulled out the Crest Gel and squeezed it across the banana peel joint. It wasn’t the same type of toothpaste but I figured it would work for them.

The Erector Set

My buddy, Josh tells me that I am an asshole. He is wrong. I just like to make jokes. At others’ expense. But he is still wrong.

 

He reminded me of the time that I had gone with him to Jimbo’s house with him. Jimbo had gotten permission from his parents to stay the night at Josh’s house, and we were stopping by to get his things. Jimbo wanted to take his Erector Set with him to Josh’s house, but his parents were strict with his toys (At least the ones they spent money on). So Jimbo scratched out a note on a piece of paper and stuck it onto the fridge with a cheap magnet (Probably a picture of a cat dangling from a rope with a caption saying hang in there).

 

He had written: Mom, I have my Erector set at Josh’s house. His handwriting looked a lot like mine, and Jimbo and Josh had gone into his bedroom to pack his clothes. So I decided to change what he had written, just a little bit. I flipped the paper over to the other side and wrote, trying my best to copy his hand: Mom, I have my erection set in Josh’s mouth.

 

I figured his mom would read it, be somewhat confused, flip the paper over, and read what he had really written. She would understand that it was a joke and that would be that. I know that Jimbo and Josh were such goody buddies that they already seemed gay, but I did not expect she would take this note as an official coming out letter. I was just saying that they were sucking each other’s dicks. There is a difference.

 

This joke would have been funny enough if this were the last I had ever heard of it, but I almost died laughing when Josh told me about Jimbo’s mom showing up at his front door with the note flapping in her hand. Josh learned the definition of “erection” with Jimbo’s mother holding her hands apart saying: A big dick. An erection is a big dick.

What would you name the fourth installment in the Divergent series?

Detergent

We just received the Divergent boxed set from Amazon. The books are titled Divergent, Insurgent, Allegiant, and Four.

 

My ten year old daughter told me that they must have run out of ideas for a good title for the fourth book. So we ran through a few names that they could have used instead of four. We decided that the four books should be titled Divergent, Insurgent, Allegiant, and Detergent.

 

What do you think: what would be your favorite title for the fourth installment of the divergent series?

 

Beer: It’s Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

beer bread

For most college students, money is in short supply and a proper diet is often of little concern. Alcohol, the liquid bread, is the solution, but it is mired in controversy even though the its health promoting properties have been known for centuries.

Alcohol gets a bum rap in today’s society; it is blamed for poor self-control, and poor hygiene. Alcoholics, cirrhosis patients, and criminals, will all claim that alcohol is the source of their problems, but alcohol abuse is caused by poor self-control not the alcohol itself. Next, some feel that alcohol is unsanitary. When interviewed Carollyn said she does not drink because fermentation is the same as rot. However, alcohol is widely used in hospitals to kill germs and to disinfect wounds. Degenerates cause their own problems and alcohol is a disinfectant; maybe it is not as bad as people think.

In fact, the responsible and moderate consumption of alcohol is completely healthy. According to Consumer Reports, alcohol, taken in moderation, can boost HDL, the good cholesterol …, Moderate drinkers have a lower risk of isometric stroke …, and benefits appear to be strongest for people at risk of heart disease.” Additionally, moderate use of alcohol creates euphoria letting you know that life is good, providing a benefit to your mental health as well.  However, if you need that extra spiritual push there is Chimay Ale.

Chimay Ale is a Trapist brew made by Monks in a Belgian monastery. While behind the monastery walls, the brew goes through what is known as Immaculate Fermentation and its alcohol content is miracled into existence. According to the Beverages and More website, “[Chimay Ale has a] Beautiful coppery color and a creamy thick head; [the] aroma [is] reminiscent of ripe apricots; [it has a] silky mouthfeel with a pleasant touch of astringent bitterness in the finish.” Imagine the satisfying hiss as you pop the top on a cool Chimay Ale. Breathe in the pleasing aroma as you pour it into your favorite beer mug. Once you achieve the perfect beer to foam ratio, feel free to leisurely sip this wonderful elixir. A bottle of Chimay Ale is truly a spiritual experience.

Chimay Ale is available for purchase from reputable online retailers.  You can buy your way into heaven at only six dollars a bottle, so buy two bottles of Chimay Ale; Drink one yourself and donate the other to a starving college student of legal drinking age.

Sitting on top of a Rock

Butterfly

The bridge spanned across the shallow ravine. Above was the trickling of a stream over a precipice. The water splashes down in the sandy pool at the bridges foot. Two hikers had stopped in the center of the bridge. They were taking turns posing for pictures in front of the weedy falls.

“Move back a little more. I can’t see the waterfall behind you.”

The bridge shook slightly as the man backed up. The weathered handrail bowed back and the man leaned his head and shoulders over the bridge’s edge. Another gaggle of hikers walked over the hill and out from behind the bushes that hid the rest of the trail. They gathered at the edge of the bridge waiting their turn to take pictures at the falls.

The couple left them behind and walked further down the trail. The trail was covered by a crust that crunched lightly with every step, but the wind had a dusty smell as it blew. They came to a long flat stretch. The trees lined either side of a grassy meadow and the trail cut a beige scar across the middle. There was a group of about five butterflies sitting the middle of the trail. They fanned their two toned vibrant blue and velvety black wings. Another butterfly lit down onto a fresh pile of horse manure. It extended its proboscis into the dark brown round of excreta to suck the water from the steaming pile.

The woman pulled the camera out of her pack and began snapping pictures.

“Really, you are taking a picture of horse crap?”

“The butterfly is really pretty. People will just think it is sitting on top of a rock.”