Mayor McCheese Pardons the Hamburgler–Flarf

I want to learn a Quarter Pounder at half past two,

That is, if the shake machine isn’t broken.

I want to sing “Mack Tonight” out under the moon

And help you figure out why Grimace’s ass is swollen.

I want to hunt and kill a fryguy or two

And keep their bushy heads as a token.


I’d like to take you back into the kitchen

And smear you with old french-fry goo.

I could cover you with burgers and chicken

And see what those sesame seed buns do.

I want Instagram pictures and fresh gluten

A little dirty-birdy burger restaurant too.


I want to get into apple pies and face paint

Clean your onion bunions with those big red shoes.

Spitting a Gordon Ramsey burger complaint

Behind a yellow suspender or two.

And do the Charleston on a greasy cook plate

For, at least, a couple hours with you.


In this poem, I wanted to get into some more controlled absurdity. Most of this came out of my own wild imagination, but I did a little bit of Google painting when I got stuck. While this one is wild and crazy like my other Flarf poems have been, I was trying to stick to one theme and keep at least a semblance of narrative. I think I needed that extra control to get those rhymes in there.


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