If You Want to be Taken Seriously, Compare Yourself to a Fictional Character Targeted Toward an Audience of Children

The song “One Call Away” by Charlie Puth is a derivative copy of all those other sappy love laments sung in a minor key which would be bad enough by itself. But the real problem with this song is that it is catchy, but it is catchy in the way that a  dying platypus imitating someone who can actually sing crossed with a tone deaf two year old anally raping an aardvark would be catchy if someone recorded it and broadcast it over the radio. And, yet, I would have never even taken note of this cookie cutter garbage if the song did not have a very noticeable idiotic phrase in its lyrics.

The song  opens up with and constantly repeats the chorus that contains the line “Superman’s got nothing on me” as if this line has a deep meaning of its own or a contextual clue to the meaning behind the song, but really the line adds little to a song that contains no other references to this or any other fictional pop-culture icon. If the song was comic book nerd love story or if it somehow took place in the same fictional universe in which Superman resides the the use of this fictional figure would not bother me, but since there is no other mention of Superman or a fictional world, I am left wondering what exactly was the point of including this fictional figure in the first place.

The only reason that I can think of for the inclusion is that whoever wrote this song (This song sucks so bad that it was probably put together by a pannel of corporate idiots trying to recreate past musical successes. Therefore, I do not believe that it was actually written by Charlie Puth.) included the mention to Superman did so was because he, she, or they say a similar mention to a fictional character in the movie Training Day when Denzel Washington shouts “[Donkey Kong] ain’t got shit on me” (Of coarse, Denzel actually references King Kong in the movie, but the mention of King Kong is so inexplicable in that movie that I can not bring myself to repeat it whenever I have the need of repeating the line, and for some reason that need comes up a lot. And Donkey Kong just works better for Denzel’s character because at least Donkey Kong was a villain kidnapping women and trying to kill the hero. King Kong was just some displaced giant ape that was trying to get away from the people who kidnapped and mistreated him). But the reason that such a silly line worked for Denzel was the same reason that Charlie’s silly line about Superman does not work for him:  Denzel is an excellent actor and he was able to bring all of his angst and gravitas into the line that even though it is a silly line you can’t help but feel the power behind it, but Charlie Puth does not have the same soulful presence as Denzel and, therefore, his idiotic reference falls flat.

What does it even mean to say, “Superman’s got nothing on me”? Even if Superman were being treated like he existed in the same world as the singer and the girl he is lamenting, the song states that the singer will be there to save the day (Which in the songs case seems to mean that the singer will dick the girl down if her current boyfriend decides to hurt her), but it also states that the singer is only one call away (The song of coarse is referring to a booty call away.) which is in no way better that Superman. But if the singer were actually talking about the same king of saving of the day Superman would do, what could he actually do that Superman could not?

The singer is a phone call away, so he has to have a phone on him to get his girls distress call, and she has to have access to a phone, herself, and the wherewithal to call and ask for help. The singer would have to get her call, drive to wherever it is that she called from, assess what he can and can’t do to save her and when he decides that he is outmatched he has to call the police and wait for them to arrive before the girl is out of harms way. This in no way sounds any better than what Superman could do. Superman has super hearing, super sight, super speed, super strength and an undefeated record (Not even death could keep him down for long.). Superman would hear the girls call of distress without the need of a phone, he would asses the scene with his super sight long before the villains even new he was on the way, and he would have the girl safe before she even finished telling the singer where she was and what was happening. In fact the only thing that the singer seems to have on Superman is shitty lyrics. You can’t beat Superman’s theme: “Here he comes to save the day/ [Superman] in on the way.”

(OK, fine. That is the Mighty Mouse theme song, but even Mighty Mouse kicks the crap out of Charlie Puth.)

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