Super

The thing about being funny and having girlfriends (or any one that you spend most if your free time with) is that you are funny to them at first. They say that humor is one of the things that drew them to you in the first place (most people claim to value a sense of humor in their friends and partners). But this is not true. The “normal,” less funny people of the world can’t handle being around truly funny people.

“Normal” people like humor the way they like salt: a sprinkle here and a sprinkle there and just the finely refined and iodized table salt. They look sideways at kosher salt, but they might eat a little on their pretzels without too much complaint, and they pretend to like sea salt. Inevitably, they will have a fancy shaker of the stuff on the counter or in the center of their table, but the layer of dust on top of the shaker betrays their true feelings about the stuff. “Normals” only want to bring out the inherent flavors of their food.

But truly funny people like their salt in any form they can find it. They shake thick layers of the stuff on everything, heart disease and good taste be damned. They don’t stick to the standard or even trendy varieties like sea salt or that clay imbued pink stuff. You will find them licking the salty road dust off of your car or even sucking the sweat stains off the crotch of your workout shorts. In short once “normals” (such as girl friends) get close enough to you to notice that humor is the only thing that you care about, they become irritated by your humor. Not because spit out an unpolished joke that you plan to work on later, but because they hate you and everything that you stand for.

Fred Colton

Humor is a superpower. So is money and so is height. So is being white and so is wearing a suit. I have the height and the white and the suits. And compared to Foxconn laborers I have the money. But I can’t make people laugh, not in person. This is distressing. So really I’m just a suit mannequin, which is why she’ll take me home. Then she says: You’re not funny, but you try, so it’s cute. Shit, I didn’t think anyone noticed the effort. Nothing burns quite like being caught trying. OK, focus on the positives. Cute, she said cute. But it’s only cute because I’m also youthful. So thank Christ that’s going to last forever.

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